Upon stepping off of the airplane, I truly tried to abandon my expectations. I tried to open my heart. I tried to absorb and enjoy and embrace. But a tiny part of me felt obligated to have an experience. Sigh. And obligations are where I often get hung up. That teeny tiny sliver held on and shook and shook. And this might sound awful, but at Squam…
…my heart was not filled to the brim with buckets of love and inspiration. instead, my heart struggled.
…I was not dazzled by sheer joy and carefree spirits. instead, I felt alone.
…I was not in complete awe of artmaking. instead, I felt confused.
…I did not have dance parties in the woods.
…I did not do yoga at dawn on a wooden pier.
…I did not wear a tutu or wave magic wands or make “jazz hands.”
...I struggled to form new friendships. And I struggled with an old one.
The experience, for me, was entirely introspective. I am an Introvert (capital I) in every sense of the word, and I fought it so hard for the first couple of days. I questioned: How do I make myself more outgoing? How do I stop being so serious? How do I make friends without feeling so freaking awkward all the time? How do I make it all less overwhelming? Why does this feel like goddamn high school all over again? In the end, I gave it up and tried to find solace in myself, in the pit of my gut.
So what if I’m more comfortable in my pajamas, alone by the fire with a sketchbook? So I’m happy in the woods, with just my two feet and a camera. So I’m happy all by myself, and it’s ok for me to not get all the giddy hugging and socialization happening around me. So I’m happy with who I am. What a notion. I am ok. I am ok. After all.
I’m not sure how to say all this without sounding unappreciative. Because now, more than ever, I am appreciative of every tiny sliver of my life. Squam gave me that, and for it I am entirely grateful. I would not be here without the struggle.
I learned so much about myself: about the personality types that I’m drawn to; about art that satisfies me and only me; about balance; about loss. I learned that only I know what’s good for me, and no one can tell me otherwise. I learned to stop apologizing so much. I’ve learned that I can do this.
And while I did not wear a tutu or do yoga at dawn, I did do the following:
I placed a fake mustache on a rock somewhere deep in the woods.
I cried. A lot. It felt awful and good. It made me feel free.
I took photographs of my green shoes.
I chased a yellow leaf across a field.
I saw shooting stars, and watched the milky way, and felt small.
I ate a lot of really excellent fish.
I learned much about friendship, even though I thought I already knew all there was to know.
I painted with my fingers.
I wrote with my all time favorite pen.
I realized, finally, that life is damn good.
I am better for it.
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12 comments:
i am in tears.
and you are beautiful and real.
thank you for sharing your heart.
this will stick with me for a long, long time...
thank you thank you for reading. i wanted to keep it all in, but it all feels so much better now.
thanks again. it means the world to me, truly.
This is beautiful Jessica and I have to tell you I struggled with some of the same things. I didn't love the dining hall - it felt like high school and I never really got comfortable with it, though it did get a little easier toward the end when I had bonded more with my cabin mates. I didn't skinny dip in the lake or gaze at the stars (it was too cold!) and I never really even met two of my cabin mates (who I'm convinced must have hated me on sight). What I did come away with was a new opinion of myself - I went into Squam with a "who do I think I am" mentality and somewhere along the way I realized the answer is, simply, "I am enough" - introvert with a capital "I" and all!
Thank you for sharing this,
Kelley
Kelley - thanks so much for sharing. I'm starting to feel so much less alone with all of these weird feelings. Your last sentence completely echos my experience. It all seems so simple now, looking back. I am enough. Thanks, from the bottom of my heart.
What is wonderful about SAW is that everyone is free to do what they want at their own pace in their own way. The intention is to create a space where judgments are left at the door and respect is given to each of our own ways of interacting, creating, and being while we are there. We are all different, and this is what SAW aims to nurture and celebrate. What a gift for all of us!
Totally, Caiti. That's exactly what I ended up pulling from it, too. I'm glad you could share in this and identify. And there's nothing wrong with tutus or exuberance, but it just wasn't for me, at that point in time! I'm a little sad that I got so hung up in those feelings of self-doubt and questioning, but it's part of my personality, and it's part of the journey. I wish we could have talked more - I bet we would have found some kinship in the whole experience :-) Thanks again.
Wow. Interesting comments. Room for all of it and hopefully mine as well.
I just want to say, that I do not know of a single person who would have cared if anyone jazz handed it or not. Or if someone did yoga on the pier or ate a hotdog on it. :)
I really really try to look within when I are triggered by something or someone first, before making a judgment based on a few outward snapshots. Its the only way I am assured growth.
I met of a couple of the women who are being referred to as "wild and crazy". I cant remember for the life of me what they were wearing, but what I do remember was being greeted with such warmth and kindness. I remember one who specifically helped me through my first experience with painting and how encouraging she was. I am so grateful to her for this.
To me, personality "types" are so insignificant to what lies within the heart. Introvert/Extrovert seem to limit the expansiveness and the depth of each soul.
I saw women who needed solitude and rest and I saw women who needed to have fun and laugh. I saw women passionate about many things ~ art, friends, FOOD!, time alone, music, meditation, writing, reading, swimming, nature, time with others.. And I felt the majority of people were able to take care of themselves in whatever way they needed. This is what I found to be so wonderful at S.A.W.
I went to S.A.W knowing I myself was going to be the one responsible for the experience I had. Having that focus kept me a grounded space and kept my often neurotic emotions on pause. I DO know how intimidating large gatherings can be, and I DO know how it feels to be insecure about my art, so please know I am not ignoring what you are saying.
I simply wanted to offer another point of view.
Blessings...
I'm delighted by all of the viewpoints pouring in, and am amazed by how we all had such varied (and sometimes shared) experiences.
I truly echo the thought about taking responsibility for the experience. That was the hardest part, figuring out how to make it work, how to make it my own, in four short days.
And what's so stunning to me is that we can all write and recall this brief experience with such passion. Four days. So short, yet so, so meaningful.
And of course, labels limit us. Introvert/extrovert can seem so stifling, because we are all so much more. But it's a way to start to define identity, to wrestle with who we are, our insecurities, our weaknesses. I don't mind it. It's all part of the process.
I ended up deleting my original comment above, my apologies... I guess I'm being sensitive and self-editing now (another one of my flaws), but I don't want anyone to interpret my comment as being negative towards my Squam journey or critical/judgmental towards anyone (which was not my intention at all). I had an amazing experience, while at the same time identifying strongly with what you wrote, Jessica. I guess I'm still figuring out how to make sense of my Squam journey. :)
Caiti - it's ok, I understand completely. I'm a self-editor extraordinaire. It's a goal of mine to stop :-) That's why this post was excruciating to write. I didn't want to be too negative, because on the contrary, what happened was perfect. I need that. But I also needed to be honest, and hope, somewhere, maybe someone had the same feelings that i did.
if you ever want to chat more, off the blogosphere, by all means feel free to drop me a line: windowledgearts (AT) yahoo (DOT) com
Hey Jessica,
You were in my day 3 class with Sarah Ahearn. I remember how much I loved your artwork!
You've left a touching post here. I remember well Elizabeth referring to the fact that not everyone was having the same experience at Squam...smart lady that she gets that and understands it and doesn't take it personal. I did a lot of watching at Squam - this being my first. A couple of times I almost questioned myself as to why I wasn't experiencing things with such exuberance as many of the attendees I witnessed...was I missing something inside of me? was I not as much fun? and then I came back to the full knowledge of how well I really do know myself, and that it was o.k. just the way it was...then I could just sit back and watch the exuberance and smile - it really became enjoyable to see how much people "felt" squammie.: ) I think you've done well to figure yourself out in all of this - and that, like you said, is a gift from Squam.
So on another note - your photography is fabulous!!!!!!!!!!!
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